I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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