I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
