I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
