im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
