i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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