I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
