I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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