There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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