It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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