she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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