i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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