I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
