I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
