chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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