sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
