saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His hands were made for my vagina.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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