I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
