in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
