I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
