What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize