I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
