I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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