oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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