Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
