I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
