shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
