did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
