so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
