i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
