put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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