I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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