Plan B is the new Plan A
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
