this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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