Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
