He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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