I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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