You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found puke in my bra..
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
