Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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