Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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