Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
