His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
