lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
