wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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