Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
