I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
