I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
