dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
