one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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