i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
