I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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