I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
