Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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