Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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