youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize