I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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