you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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