have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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