i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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