Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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