just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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